What do you do when you have felt like you have done everything to pour yourself into your child’s life – diligently taught them God’s word, been involved in all their activities, read parenting books and attempted to apply all those Godly principles - and yet as your child grows into a teenager they end up with some serious struggles or addictions?  Does that mean you have failed?  Does it mean God doesn’t care?  What if more than one of your children is struggling?  And at the same time?!?

Take your eyes off your child, their behavior, and your feelings and look to Jesus

All too often, we become overly absorbed and worried about the “potential” outcomes that might come to pass over the situations our children get into.   There is a healthy and biblical level of care and concern we should have toward these situations.  However, when they get to a point where our worrying thoughts overtake our lives and constantly steal our peace, we should realize that we may have stepped beyond our role as parent and into that which can only be the responsibility of God. 

Anxiety results when worry exceeds prayer. Anxiety is the emotional signal that we are trying to play God.  We are spending today trying to figure out tomorrow or we try to live tomorrow in our minds.  Anxiety is most often tied to that which we are most tempted to idolize.  If our thoughts, conversations, and emotions are continually on our child, their struggle can become our idol.  David Jeremiah said, “That’s why fear and worry are sins – they doubt God’s promises, question His power, disregard His presence and divert our hearts from His praise.”

“When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul.”  - Psalm 94:19

God’s consoles us when we worship His attributes and choose to renew our minds in His Word.  In her book The Battle Belongs to the Lord, Joyce Meyer says, “Victory is not the absence of problems; it is having peace and joy in the midst of them.  Victory is continuing to bear good fruit for the kingdom, even when we are going through difficulty.”

I learned that even when my heart was breaking, I could still function and be used by God and even have joy in the midst of it.  Psalm 26:3 says, “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”   And in Isaiah 42:16 we read, “I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.  These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.”  By looking to God, I find that He is the One I can trust and through Him I can carry on.

Lean into pain and allow other brothers and sisters in Christ to love you through it

It is sad but it seems when we are having painful struggles, we tend to want to hide it sometimes, especially so other Christians won’t see it.  Satan wants to keep us isolated and alone.  But we need to let others know we are struggling.  I was part of a Moms In Touch group through our difficult times and God used their prayers to comfort me and to stand beside me in the battle. We think no one else’s kids are struggling with things like our kids are - when in fact - many are or will be in the future or have been in the past.

When you feel like you are a terrible parent, remember you are the perfect parent for your child.  God put you together providentially.  When your child is making bad choices, you are called to be faithful, not responsible. God is more concerned with you loving Him with your whole heart than anything else.  What you focus on, you will empower.  You can make your struggles with your teen bigger than God, if that is where you mind is.  Remember, what you are relying on, you are putting in control.

Take your child to the Father and rest in Him

One of the truths we learned by walking with our children through their struggles was this wonderful breath prayer.  It’s a good reminder of Whose I am (Abba means “daddy”) and Whose my child is.  As you inhale, say the first line.  As you exhale, say the second line.  I would find my self saying this pray over and over again, until I honestly released my child to the Lord’s arms.

Abba,

[insert your child’s name here] belongs to you.

You don’t have to have all the answers.  God is with you, not the enemy.  It isn’t what you do that will make a difference but what God does through you.  We can be there for our kids, but don’t try to fix everything.  Sometimes God uses pain to bring about His good purposes – in us too.  What our children go through is not just for them – it is for us too.  God wants to teach us through the pain.  “Lord, don’t let us waste this suffering, let us learn what you want us to learn in this” was our constant prayer.

If you are married, remember our second priority after God is our spouse and that relationship.  When your child is struggling, you can get terribly out of balance.  One gift that came out of our struggle was our praying together each night before bed, which we still continue to this day.  I knew that no one understood exactly how I was feeling, except my husband because it was his child hurting, also.  At times, I would say, “I’m struggling with all of this, what scripture can you think of for me or please pray over me.”  We would pray for each other to have wisdom as a parent and for God to strengthen our marriage.  At times, we would fast for our kids.  In moments of extreme pain, we would lay prostrate on the floor, side by side and cry out to God, together.

Like our Heavenly Father, we too must walk with our children through the pain and sorrow of their choices.  He understands the pain and is able and sufficient to sustain us. As the Psalmist wrote in Psalm 112: 7&8, “He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.  His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.”