There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one." (1 Corinthians 6:15-17)

“Isn’t living together good enough preparation for marriage?”  This was a question Jessica, a student from one of my relationship classes at the University of Sioux Falls, asked me.  “Unfortunately, no.  It’s not good enough”, I told her.  “In fact, living together has a failure rate of 80 percent.”  Jessica didn’t believe me, “But, it just makes sense that if you live with someone 24/7 you will have a better chance to know if that person is right for you.”  

Jessica’s perspective does sound like it makes sense and she is not alone.  A majority of young adults – Christians and non-Christians - believe that living together before marriage is the best way to test their love relationship and avoid divorce.  

Unfortunately, for live-in couples, research reveals not only do they have higher divorce rates, but they also have:
•    a weaker sense of couple identity
•    less willingness to sacrifice for the other
•    lower relationship satisfaction
•    lower desire to see the relationship go long term
•    less romance
•    these characteristics multiply with the number of previous live-in partners one has had

In the New Testament, Paul says: “Test everything.  Hold onto the good.  Avoid every kind of evil.” (1 Thessalonians 5:21-22).  We have now had decades of “testing” cohabitation to see if it really helps marriages.  And secular research is bearing out what biblical Christians have believed all along – cohabitation does nothing to help marriages, it only hurts them.  In fact, the “living together” experiment has tremendously failed and has created more discontent, emotional pain, and divorces.  
 

Marriage is a coming together of a man and a woman to complete one another, to become "one flesh". (Genesis 2:24)

A woman tends to enter the live-in arrangement with a firm sense of commitment and sacrifice, but a man tends not to.  Dr. Scott Stanley, a research professor from the University of Denver, says that a man believes that the real step of commitment is when the legal step of marriage is taken, not the let’s move in together step.  Stanley says, “on average, [the commitment of] marriage changes the average man in the direction of greater responsibility and sacrifice to a female partner”.  

God wants you to be holy, so don't be immoral in matters of sex.  Respect and honor your wife. Don't be a slave of your desires or live like people who don't know God. You must not cheat any of the Lord's followers in matters of sex. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-6)

Stanley pointed out that a man generally does not have the same standards for a live-in girlfriend as he would for a potential wife.  He may continue to be “on the lookout” for his soul mate while he is living with his girlfriend.  He says a man’s thinking goes a bit like this:    

“I’m happy here for the time being, sleeping with my partner and letting her care for me in various ways, but I am not sure she’s really ‘the one’ for me, and I’m biding my time here while I keep looking around or until I decide that she is the one.”

But Jesus said, "Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life.  It requires a certain aptitude and grace…But if you're capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it."  (Matthew 19:10-12)

Dr. Stanley theorizes that living together creates a higher potential for divorce, because it triggers forces that makes it more likely that a couple will get married, even if the fit between the partners was poor to begin with.  What couples may not realize is that ending a cohabiting relationship is more difficult (practically, financially, emotionally, and socially) than ending a dating relationship.  This can move these couples into marriage with a hesitant conclusion of “maybe I do”, instead of a highly desired and committed decision of “I do”.  

Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what He wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.  (Romans 12:2)

Researchers are beginning to see that something is significantly different when one shifts from living together to committing to marriage at the altar.  Predictably, these findings also testify to the biblical truths God has put in place to nurture strong and loving marriages.  There are numerous couples that think just like Jessica and assume living together is “good enough” and is the best guarantee for a happy marriage.  I think it’s time to confront the myths and tell what the real consequences of cohabitation are for many couples -- less joy and more broken relationships.

At the same time, there are couples that choose to live counter to this culture.  They are committed to living apart so they can grow in other essential aspects of their relationship and pursue a Godly covenant marriage that creates a deep sense of commitment, security and love.  These committed and mature couples offer the very hopeful response to the disappointing outcome of cohabitation – affirm them when you can.  In the meantime, I encourage you to bust the myths!